Please, Not Me

It's funny. I distinctly remember running for National Honor Society office in high school. I had put my name in for "any office," hoping to get President. That election came and went: nope. Then Vice-President: nope again. Treasurer: a tie. In the run-off, I vaguely remember thinking, "It is beyond humiliating to have just been rejected twice. I really, really want to get this." The vote came: yep, I got it.

Then came the work. Granted, I loved math (I even went on to become a math major in college), but it became apparent to me pretty quickly that there was a lot more to the job than I realized. As it turns out, my focus was more on getting the role (read: prestige) than on getting the responsibilities. My "not-really-a-prayer" prayer during those elections was more akin to, "Please pick me, please pick me," than it was to, "yes, I will commit to this job; yes, I will do my best; yes, I will face the consequences of my mistakes."

Fast forward to today--well, yesterday, actually. I happen to sit on a few Boards of organizations whose missions are very important to me. Yesterday was the election of new officers for one of those boards, and for some reason, the memory of that high school National Honor Society moment came flooding back to me as I drove home after the meeting. As we talked and discerned about the needed leadership, and then were asked to indicate confidentially our willingness or unwillingness to serve, I started to feel very heavy. There was no way I could say with any integrity that I was "unwilling to serve." Reticent or reluctant, yes; but unwilling--no (very cunning vocabulary choice of the outgoing leadership, by the way.) I found myself praying a "cousin prayer" to the "not-really-a-prayer" prayer I had uttered thirty-five years earlier. "Please not me, please not me."

I have learned over the years that leadership is hard. It is demanding. It is draining. It is painful. And it is thankless. The best leaders do not go skipping into office, they walk slowly, deliberately, pensively, and looking every which way for a strong, diverse team--likely a whole group of others who were whispering, "not me, please not me."

Don't get me wrong: there's a whole lot to be said for the joys of elected office--the privilege of having other folks' trust, the opportunity to do good, etc., etc. But in the end, I believe there's a really important and wise instinct behind the, "Oh God, please don't pick me," mentality, and it is this: I am (we are) not up to the task, and that is precisely the admission needed in order to allow the Holy Spirit the lead role in this drama we call Gospel living. God, lead on, and help each one of us to raise our heads upon hearing our names called for service, and say (reluctantly if necessary), "Here I am."